So it's been a while
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: the quiet hum of my computer... finally in my own room lol

so wow, it's been a while.  Not that all that much has happened, but it's been a while none the less.  So the updates are as follows: Quit Lifetouch (because they forgot that I have a *boring* life outside of work) worked some temp jobs for 2 weeks and got hired on at mom's work.  I went to Vegas w/ 3 of the most amazingly fabulous people I know ("THE" didn't get to go which makes me sad as I miss her greatly!)... we had a blast. It was nice to not have to be "Quincy's mommy" to everyone for a weeken, although I can never seem to find anything else to talk about, man I need a life lol. 

Quincy turns 1 in 7 days... He is walking, running and climbing ALL over the place.  He is the light of my world.  Every day I feel sorry for his "other" family that will never get to see what an amazing person they are missing out on.  It makes me sad sometimes to not have someone to share him w/, but then I think... wait a minute, that makes him all mine LOL...

I am still completely single, no prospects on the horizon even.  I don't even know any guys my own age in this entire state LOL.  On the Eric front... I have come to realize (slowly) that the person that he is now is not someone I could be with.  He has turned into a frat boy at 25.  Out partying all the time, drunk most of the weekend at least.  "Just friends" with a number of girls who do not seem to be the "just friends" type unless there are some serious benefits involved.  He doesn't even send cards anymore (unless one brow beats him into doing it)...He is apparently in the states right now, but I don't suspect I'll hear from him, even on Q's birthday (which would have traditionally been a card recieving occasion.  It's still hard to take when I see that there is someone else he likes more than me (He "connects on a higher level" with his "#1 girl") but other than the fact that I don't want him to move on before me, there is no reason for me to be upset.  I don't miss him (much) anymore, and I'm not waiting on him to realize I'm the best he'll ever find (because I'm not... we don't make sense anymore.) I need someone who can be responsible for more than just a few bills.  I need someone dependable and stable.  Eric is not capable of being this things for long periods of time.  Every time he moves, he spends the first few months attached to his friends from the last place, and then when he finds new friends, the old ones fall behind.  Oh sure, we get picked up and dusted off every once in a while, but for the most part, we're off to the second hand store to wait for someone new.  He doesn't do it w/ malice or even inconsideration.  He is just him, and I think I might have finally accepted that. 

And now that my latest blog is long enough to be 2 or 3 blogs, I shall get ready for excercising and bed.  Hope to talk to you guys soon!

My wonderful Radish
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: ol' jabber jaws himself :)
Topic: Quincy
So let me take this opportunity to brag about my man. He's 2 feet, 3.5 inches, 15 lbs 3oz of pure perfection (most of the time). He jabbers away, but never talks back. He doesn't eat too much when we go out and he never disagrees w/ me when I suggest somewhere to go. He dances better than most guys I've dated and never expects too much when we get home, just a kiss, hug and diaper change lol.
My man is advanced beyond his age, he can do things the doctors/books say he shouldn't do for months yet. He's almost crawling and uses more than one syllable when "talking"... yeah, he didn't get his intellegence from him "father" lol...
I can't imagine loving anyone as much as I love my little man. He's the most amazing thing, and the most frustrating at times too! It is a testiment to how cute he is that he has survived as long as he has LOL... we've had the up all night every night for a week fits, the up most of the night, letting mommy sleep for just long enough to make her cranky about getting up nights, and the I'll wake up extra early so as to really confuse mom mornings. He's a handful, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.
I'm sure I could go on forever about how amazing my man is, but I feel as though I have done enough for one night. Pray for him as he has his medical tests tomorrow. Talk to you all later.

Hello old friend
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: A chattery, should be asleep by now little man

I know it's been a long time, and there are so many things that have happened since I last "spoke" to you guys. Lets see, not pregnant anymore, which is evident by the little man who should be sleeping, but instead is playing in his bed beside me. I work for Lifetouch National School Studios, as the bilingual receptionist.
I don't even know that there is anything interesting enough in my life to blog about LOL. I get up, get ready, get Q up, feed him and get him ready, then it's off to daycare and then work. Then I come home, feed Q, play for a bit, bath him, put him to bed, listen to him scream, re-plug and flip him back over, listen to more screaming, and then get ready for bed when he's done lol... all in all, not too interesting LOL:).
I just wanted to get back on this thing since last time I was here we didn't even know the sex of the baby, and now here HE is in all his baby glory :). I shall blog more later (yeah, well I'll try lol, we all know I'm not good at this). Love you all!

He's gone... my heart has left Nebraska, and soon the country
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: wind, it's the only thing happening here

There is quite a bit that the blog has not heard about and so I shall fill it in instead of writing my paper. Ok, so Eric is gone today for Florida, on his way to Turkey. That hurts more than anything I've ever felt... I need him more than I can express...
Oh but wait, the drama in Nicky's life gets bigger and better... so I'm 3 months pregnant and the father is now on the run from the law according to his mother who is not on my list of favorite people either. Granted finding out came as a shock, however she handled it very poorly and blew me off and so I will send a pix of the baby when he/she is born and that's as far as I am going until they show that they want to be involved. He was already not trying to be there so this is not a huge step away from where he was...
and so here is where we are today:

no eric, no isaac, but a baby coming
and so now you know...

Strike 3 I quit lol
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: beeping of people coming in and out of the doors to the building
So here's the deal... Aaron is the guy that I am pretty sure i like, however he is playing kitchen sink with me (as in one minute he's hot and the next he's cold, like water). When it's just the two of us, he is the sweetest person ever, however when there are people around, it doesn't always end up that way...it's pretty hit and miss then. I don't know why I am so drawn to him, it really makes no sense when you put this whole thing on paper, however I am, and he seems to be drawn to me too, until the whores show up, and then they must take him away, no really, actually pull on him till he's away lol.
So yeah, I don't understand boys at all, they seem to make absolutely no sense to me ever and that is where shall leave you now, talk to you later, love you all! bye

Will not form romantic attatchments to any of the following:
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: absolutely nothing, it's very quiet down here at the desk lol
OK, so here's the deal... ther ewas yet another incident with one certain individual who shall not be named, and yes I am winning a stupidity award, it's shall be presented at a lovely ceremony, formal dress not required, for reservations call me lol. I was at ICON (a club for all those not knowing) and having myself a real good time, when who do I see, yes you guessed it, said individual. Still, everything is going great, dancing with a VERY HOTTTT boy, doing my thing... then dancing with a guy who came with boy 1, but still not worried, haven't talked to him, no drama yet...
Then things start to deteriorate. He comes up to me after the club (while we're waiting in the coat check line) and is asking if I still hate him (never hated him but whatever) and talking all this nonsense about how he called me and stuff, total BS and I tell him that I know it. So then I leave (gave Kyle his friend my number, that's important to the story later) and everything is still fine.
We get to steak n shake and my stomach is not happy, so I am leaving (and apparently everyone thinks I am going to call that boy, which I def do not do) and on my way home, he calls. Then Kyle calls, but boy 1 is already coming over, so that makes a Kyle visit not so much going to happen.
Boy 1 comes over and everything is fine, not trying anything so far, and then all of a sudden, he decides he's getting some, no matter what (don't worry I didn't give it to him, and he didn't rape me) but he pushed me to my limit so I go get my phone and call Kyle back (phone had been left in car) because he had called, phone disconnected due to lack of battery, called back again lol. He's finally sleepy and so then I get to go to sleep, wake up, more of the same, I storm into the bathroom to shower (have to work at noon, at work now lol) he's gone when I get out, I call him to let him know that was rude and ignorant, not that I mind he left, but I know he only left because he wasn't getting any....although he tried and now I have physical pain in certian areas. He says they were leaving then, I don't believe him, but whatever, here's hoping that his nice friend doesn't here about this all, and decide not to call me... and then there's Aaron, I'll blog about him when I work at midnight tonight, that'll be a happier blog I think lol, tune in later folks lol.

New Year, and yet the same Eric drama
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: people playing pool down the hall, elevator door closing
So HAPPPPPPY NEW YEARRRR ALL! I hope that it is starting out well enough for everyone! I started off 2005 with Eric, which would have been EXACTLY what I wanted, except it wasn't because nothing has changed (in more than one sense).
SO here's the deal...
I go home for break (after the yucky boy 1 situation thing, ps, apparently no longer speaking, it's ok, I don't even think I mind at all...) and so far everything is the way I expected it to be, then things get a little fuzzy. Eric sees me most days, takes me to the movies, and to eat, and pays for everything, and is all cuddly and hugging and kissing on me, tells me he misses and still loves me, and then I come back to school.
I get back to school and he apparently forgets I exist, there is no phone call the whole weekend (til I called him) even though he expressly stated that he would call me back Friday night. Sunday I call him, and this is not a happy sort of conversation. I confront him about the way he was when I was home and then how he seems to forget about me as soon as I leave town. I said that I felt like he was playing with my emotions, and having fun with it, because it kinda did. I felt like a yo-yo, and he seemed to not mind.
I don't know what to do though. There is obviously something still between us, we have a connection, more than just because we were together. We just fit. It felt very right when he held me, although I moved away (everytime he made a move towards me I reminded him that he couldn't do that, he gave up his priviledges).
So all that happened, but I was in a pretty good mood today. No classes or anything responsible to do for a whole day will do that to a person lol. I know that the last few (ok, most of them) blogs have been very sad, however I very much hate the idea of no eric. and up until the past 3 weeks at home, I was starting to believe that I could do this, however seeing him again just reaffirmed my faith in the idea that we were meant to be together and he is just delaying the inevitable, or what if he is avoiding it, and trying to make sure it doesn't happen? What if he is not against marriage right now, just against it with me? OK, point was that I am generally not gloomy, just with the eric and money situations, everything else is not bad right now :). Talk to you later.

??
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: sleeping boy
So here it is, 11:43 on Friday night, and I'm in Ft. Leonard Wood (air force base) MO, sitting here at his computer blogging because the kid is already asleep. He was trying to get some earlier, however was denied vehemently (he says he wasn't but I don't know that I believe that). He says he understood from when I said no before I even came down that it meant no, but who can realllllly trust a boy? I am not sure that I can.
I am soo confused. One minute I think that he is just trying to get laid, and the next I don't know what to think, and the whole time I'm missing Eric. I need to get over him because obviously I am not having any "he realizes he can't live without me" luck (although I have been praying for it, because I sure as heck am not loving life without him).
School is over for the semester and so that is happy news. Now there is just to put up with the family for the next 3 weeks, and then I'll be good and ready to come back here, and by Spring Break, I'll be more than ready to go home again lol. YEAH for graduation, BOO for not knowing what to do with the rest of my life.
So this is confused me signing off, I think I shall sleep in this computer desk chair (not a big comfy one, more like one from a cubicle, no arms even) because he is taking up quite a bit of the bed, and I don't wish to move him, had he wanted me to sleep there, he wouldn't have moved to the middle when I got up to brush my teeth. So good luck to me on that lol. HAVE A GREAT BREAK EVERYONE! SEE YOU ALL NEXT YEAR!

blah blah blah
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: the very loud group of people in the lobby lol
Hey there strangers, it's me again, back to blog about nothing lol.So here I am at work, going on hour number 10 for the day as a whole, number 2 for this particular shift, and 6 more to go til I am done here for a while.
So most of my dorm just left to go out, that makes me sad, i would love to be dancing my little heart out at the moment lol. Especially since there were quite a few hot guys with them! (WOW some of them were HOTT! lol) but I know that at least one of them, the one of them that I actually know lol has a girlfriend and that's not my thing, homewrecking I mean lol.
I think that I may be dealing better with the whole Eric situation. I still miss him a lot of the time, but there are moments that I don't hurt inside, so that's a step in the right direction.
I hope that i am not becoming one of those kind of girls that goes crazy though, so far I have been good, and I hope to remain that way, so all of you must keep me on the right track (no influencing me to be bad Ms. Serbus and Gin & Tonic lol.
Christmas is coming, and I am not looking forward to it, I don't think I am becoming a scrooge, however I am not a huge fan of the Holiday anymore. I was getting to like it, then I have to spend another one alone, and that makes me sad. Sure there will be my family, all of them with their significant others and all, and me with myself. That does not make for a promising time now does it?
BAH! I wish I could find someone to work for me, or that I had not been so ambitious with my taking of people's hours, so that I could go out tonight! I reallly want to now lol, however I am sure that if am stuck here that it is for the best :). I am going to go find something productive (maybe studying lol, haven't decided) to do and I'll talk to you all later lol.

the more I learn, the more it hurts
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: silent sounds of a sleeping house
So, apparently the idea is to kick Nicky while she's down. I should not have tried to figure things out, or asked any questions for which I was not prepared to hear an unpleasant answer. Eric came over tonight, and we went to Panera to eat. I was doing pretty well, holding back the tears and all (although i definitely felt like crying the whole time) and then all the sudden I couldn't help it anymore. We were driving home, and I just started crying. Then he asked what we were supposed to do about seeing each other and such. I can't stand the thought of not seeing him again, but it hurts when I see him and can't be with him. So I told him that, and I am supposing that means that I shall be seeing him again (at least on THanksgiving, he wouldn't dare miss a free meal).
While we were sitting in front of my house in Zach's car (which I had taken to go eat in) I asked him if Turkey (his going there, not the food in general) was the only reason he had broken up with me and he said kind of yes and kind of no. Apparently he had thought about it before (breaking up with me)because he wanted some time to himself. I don't know what to make of that. He said that it had nothing to do with me, that i was not a bad girlfriend, but how can it not have something to do with me? I was the one he wanted time away from.
I still keep hoping that he will want me back (yes, the realistic, rational side of me knows it won't happen, but the hopeless romantic, extremely stupid side of me says it could)I love him so much, and he is my best friend. He knows every single thing about me, even stuff I won't let even my stuffed animals know (in case they someday come to life and start telling people things) (that was supposed to be semi-humorous, in case you guys start to think I am in the business of believing that stuffed animals come to life and such) I just feel lost and alone and deflated, completely out of everything that keeps one standing up and moving on.
This being at home helps nothing at all. I just sit here and do nothing, there is no phone call to wait for at 4:30 or so to let me know he'll be here soon, there's no waking up when he kisses me goodbye for work, then going back to sleep still smelling him in the covers. There's no anything that kept me warm and feeling safe these past 2 years. I am now out in the cold, feeling that my last stronghold has been attacked and is now lying in ruin. I don't feel human right now.
I have decided to no longer celebrate thanksgiving. When I found out about David it was right before Thanksgiving, and now this right before thanksgiving, that does it for that holiday for me. I don't know how I'm going to make it through Christmas break here. I can barely think of being here all day tomorrow knowing I won't see him, and that he doesn't want to see me. I know I am pathetic, but I am also currently missing a great portion of my being, so bear with me please.